I resisted getting vaccinated with the mRNA vaccines for the longest time.

Like many, I had “heard” of the problems with them from various sources. Then proceeded to do my own “research” to see if this was true. The video clips were sufficiently slick to convince me that, even if there wasn’t obvious evidence of wide-spread deaths, mutations, and brain damage even when millions had been vaccinated, there was always the whisper of …. “Yeah, but in a few years time, you’ll see.”

And therein lies the heart of my resistance. Not logic, but pride.

Logically, there is no reason to avoid the Covid vaccines. Even the mRNA ones.

Let’s put things in perspective. Short term issues are real, well-documented, not negligible, but overall worth paying the price for. There are no deaths, mass mutations, or springing up of previously unheard-of diseases. It’s not perfect, but it’s ok.

At present, it seems to be more focused on long-term effects.

Yes, no one can say for sure that in twenty years time, we realise they increase your chances of autoimmune disease by 2%. Or it leads to a 5% increase in cancer across the board. The best and most honest research now lacks one thing required – time elapsed, to say for sure, with 100% certainty, that none of this will happen.

However, by the very same token, the anti-vax campaign cannot say with any certainty these things will happen at all. For that matter, they cannot, on their own, say that anything is going to happen at all. Time has not elapsed.

It is just plain unfair to assert current, worldwide, intensive research cannot prove nothing will happen in twenty years time simply because the time has not passed, but at the same time assert with absolute certainty that something bad will happen. The same argument against reassurance of safety work against suspicions of future disasters.

Secondly, on the idea of “doing my own research”. On reflection, I had to grudgingly conclude that despite my best efforts, if I am painfully honest about it, my “research” falls far short when compared to “the other side”.

On one hand: Millions of healthcare workers, scientists, medical staff, doctors, professional researchers who train hard, then work full-time, get paid for their work, coming from different nations, companies, backgrounds, interest groups (sometimes even with conflicting agendas) all work to generate the vaccine, generate the trials and data, interpret the results, send it for peer-review in medical journals, not to mention government interest and pressure, and come up with the conclusions: The vaccines are not perfect, but safe. Here are the figures. And yes, there have been some side effects, even deaths – these have had the most scrutiny and attention, not least by the competitors of the brands that seemed to have caused them. But also by the producers, as they would want to see if there is anything they can improve for the future. If I don’t trust the professionalism of the entire medical and scientific community – which include some very close and personal friends – I can give some credence to Big Pharma’s self-interest in making money (and not getting bankrupted by a future civil action lawsuit.)

On the other hand: Me, reading WhatsApp messages sent by my elderly relatives, googling “vaccine cover-up/scam/conspiracy”, and reading the headlines (often not even the full articles), and watching a few minutes of long ranting videos, made by complete strangers, experts who have no existence before Covid began, zooming in on the parts that reaffirm what I already have decided is the truth, and leaving the rest out.

Last objection: It’s all a Big Conspiracy by the Templars, or Illuminati, or some other hidden players so powerful they control pharma, mega-companies, even governments.

Firstly, if you have a smartphone, you are already submitting to mega-companies who are openly admitting to all the data mining, advertising, profiling they are accused of, and people still go along with it because we like our phones.

Secondly, if there was such a Group (I’m not saying there isn’t) that is so hidden and powerful, we are already screwed anyway. It’s not just the vaccine they control, but everything else. We have no chance against such power, and our salvation must literally come from a literal God Above. Refusing the vaccine is peanuts compared to what else is at play here if that is the case.

If the deception is so deep, so profound, that the entire medical and scientific profession is corrupted, knowingly or otherwise, including personal friends, my own training as a doctor, and all external monitoring agencies, then what makes me think I’m so special as to pierce this veil of secrecy? In the story of Adam and Eve, when they were deceived by the snake, my deepest reaction is: I wouldn’t have fallen for that, proving I already have.

In the words of Keyzer Soze in the usual suspects, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist.”

The fact that I think I would have done better than the perfect first man and woman, is evidence that I am vulnerable to falling for the lies of the Devil.

I’ll sum up my anti-vax motivation in two phrases. “I told you so,” and (quietly to myself rather than to the general public) “serves you right.”

It is nothing more than wanting to claim the moral high ground. Against the face of all evidence, I take this stand because it’s in the face of all evidence. What glory is there for me to support what everybody supports? If what I believe turns out to be true, that just makes me like everyone else.

However, if I speak against the majority, I can use more flattering adjectives and descriptions on myself: Taking a Stand against the Ways of the World. A Voice in the desert calling. Not Deceived like the pagan masses. Holding Fast to the Truth. 

I can see myself as Good Noah, prophet of doom while the rest of the world partied. Or Job, who stood firm despite his well-meaning but misinformed friends. Or Elijah, deserted by all and alone against the world. Or even the Disciples, who almost to a man, died for their unpopular beliefs.

The payoff of my anti-vax stance is the chance of prophethood, which inconveniently might have to be validated with martyrdom, but still worthwhile if at the end I can say, “I told you so,” and “serves you right.” I don’t get to play God (which is what I really want to do), but this works as a decent substitute.

That trap is, having taken the self-righteous stance (and it is self-righteous when I do it), I’ll be literally damned if I back down from it. I can’t anymore. The humiliation would be utterly unbearable. So I stick to my guns, against the face of all evidence. The stronger the headwinds, the more I double down and dig in.

It is this that entrenches my stance, rather than any evidence or research I come across. 

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